In the past it was always so much easier. Waking up, falling asleep, living your life. Life was easy life was hard, but I always felt that no matter what was wrong at least something was right. And in all my years of life this has been true till now. In the past, I never felt accepted by a group, never felt like I belonged at all, or ever felt like I had a real family. The only thing that felt right was that I felt that I had a person that understood me, a person that could look me in the eyes and take me, accept me, all of me. I had my problems, others had there problems but no matter how hard it seemed, I know that I could always wake up and know that something was right in my life. I’m not saying that we had no trouble, had no fights, because we did, just as every one does. And it seems that through these struggles together, we became closer and closer, close enough to feel each others hearts beat, close enough for it to hurt. When you get close to someone, I have learned that, the more you put in to a relationship, the more you will get out of it. And also I have learned that the reverse of that is as well, true. The more that you put into a relationship, the more you have to lose. This means the more it will hurt, the harder it will be, and biggest sense of emptiness I have ever felt. If this were simply one of those friendships where you don’t know much about the other and you were simply cool then the amount of pain that I’d feel would be parallel to the relationship, we were cool and now its not so cool. But this is not how I was, and its not how I will be. To me my friends that I hold close are close enough to help me when I need, but also close enough to hurt me, close enough to make it burn. I have not always been the best friend, and I know that I will not always be a good human being, but to me I know that I strive to do right, and make what is wrong right again. I give my best when it comes to help I give and it seems that even sometimes, your best isn’t enough. I am not here right now to point fingers or to give blame, I am not here to instill guilt, I am here because I need someone back. I feel as if the hollowness that I have been left continues to worsen as the minutes pass. I feel like I’m missing out, leaving my most important equal when there must be something that I can do, some little effort that I have yet to try, something that proves my love, something that shows I mean it. And as I write here, I feel as if I failed. I feel as if I could always have given more, that if I had only just tried one more time, maybe something would have happened. I feel as if I failed as a friend and as a human. It is my goal to bring my friends closer, and to keep them tight and now it seems as if they have been pushed away, thrown to the cold and bitterness of life, only to resent every little bit we had. And as I sit here this tears me inside, I feel dead inside. I feel like there’s nothing there. And if this seems to be mere whining or to be a poor way of expressing my feelings, then I know I have failed. I know there is nothing more.